BARK IS NOT A TEAR-IST

Can you believe what these silly people are saying about my BARK O'MOMMA?
They are calling him a TEAR-IST. He is not a tear-ist. This is just more stuff that man JOHN COMPLAIN and his friend SARAH FAILIN' are making up. This tear-ist stuff is just not true.
I know a tear-ist. That would be my cousin Sarge. (Sarge is not a Dachshund.)
This guy doesn't even use his real name which is Sargent. He does that because he is trying to hide from the stuff he does. He is a very big dog and he does really bad stuff. He is a real live tear-ist and that is for sure. I have seen him doing stuff. He tore up his people's couch and chair. He tore up their drapes. He even tears up my toys when I take them to his house. Sarge is a professional tear-ist.
This is not at all what BARK O'MOMMA is like. You can't find one person who has ever seen him tearing up furniture and drapes and toys. That proves that he is not a tear-ist doesn't it?
Have you noticed that Bark always ends his TV stories with, "I'M BARK O'MOMMA and I prove this message."
I like that part a lot. So I am going to end my message that way.